


progress

by SleepyMaddy



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: (she's not), (she's so sad guys), Again, Angst, Gen, Meta, One Shot, Spoilers for Episode: s12e04 Nikola Tesla's Night Of Terror, ish, she's doing great thanks for asking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:13:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22346185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleepyMaddy/pseuds/SleepyMaddy
Summary: She's been doing better, except when she hasn't.
Comments: 12
Kudos: 75





	progress

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for s12e04!

She’s been doing better.

Not completely, of course, but noticeably. Her smiles feel less brittle and she’s found she can even muster a laugh if the situation demands it. The TARDIS’s lighting is almost back to normal, too. Her eyelids still flash orange and red and smoke and fire every time she blinks but ah, well. 

She's been doing better. She's even got proof: her friends aren't as worried about her anymore. It's still there, their concern, tangled in the air around them, but it's lighter, just light enough to let her breathe easier. Their curiosity, too, has thinned out to the point where she’s stopped being choked by it every time she steps near them. The trick, she’s discovered, is to keep it _short_. Some time with them, some time without. The smiles hold fine so long as it’s not for too long. And finding an excuse to go off on her own isn’t that hard –sometimes they even find it for her, and she’s left to have a look around, by herself, and it doesn't sting, it _doesn't_ _._ Energy readings that are just on the wrong side of odd? Perfect opportunity. She goes off and promises she’ll be back soon. It’s probably not a lie.

She’s been doing better. She meets _Nikola Tesla_ and he’s all _brightness_ and _curiosity_ and _the feeling you get when you arrive somewhere you’ve never been before_ and _all around wonderful_. He’s also _alonealonealone_ and _frustration_ and _noonelistening_ and– she can’t help it. She shows off, just a little, and it becomes _you’re an inventor_ and _kinship_ and _belonging_ and _understanding_ , just for a little while.

She’s been doing better. She creates a ring of zinc, a perfect trap to hold the creature back but she struggles with the matches, one, two, three tries and she gets it right and the flames go up, up, up, and for a second she’s a universe away, watching the Citadel burn–

She’s been doing better. There’s no time to lose: Nikola Tesla is in danger, so is the rest of humanity. The Sikthra are here; she’s never heard of them, and she quickly realizes why: scavengers and parasites, and sure, she’s faced off worse than thieves but – _centuries ago, an asteroid stealing timelords for spare parts, the feeling of hope being given just to be taken away_... it still makes her grit her teeth. 

She’s been doing better. 

_have you ever seen a dead planet_

She’s been–

She sends the queen of the Sikthra back to her ship, destroys it and watches on as they all disappear in the blink of an eye. For a second there, she wishes she could have seen them _burn_. 

As she gets them all back to New York, she knows what she has to do. Edison and Tesla have seen so much –too much, too much for men who have such tremendous influence over history. She gears up for it; Edison will be first, and then Tesla and Dorothy. The TARDIS lands and she’s about to usher them out and she looks up and– Yaz is staring at her. Now, Yaz does that a lot but this is something more. 

_when you die, there’ll be nothing left behind._

Ah.

She’s been doing better except when she hasn’t, of course, but they’re not supposed to know about that. She _needs_ them not to know, she needs them to believe that she’s been doing better. This? This wasn’t _better_. 

For a second, she hesitates; hovers, her fingertips twitching and itching and burning ever so slightly. It’d be easy. Three mind wipes, six mind wipes– same difference, really. It wouldn’t take much; just making it so her words were too unintelligible, her expression too shrouded in dust and shadow... 

Her gaze crosses Yaz’s and the girl doesn’t _step back_ , not really, but– it’s there, a hint of movement, a phantom so light the Doctor thinks she might not even be aware of it. She clenches her fist and smiles her best _i’m better now_ smile before ushering them out of the door. It’s fine. She can handle this later, pull at the right strings, make sure the timelines settle in the right way, leave Tesla and Edison inspired but not-too-inspired. What matters now is that _she’s been doing better_. 

Because if her fam believes it, then maybe soon she will, too.

**Author's Note:**

> me watching the beginning of the ep: oh wow, she's a lot less snarky, guess she's doing better.  
> me watching 13 tell an alien that when she dies there'll be nothing left except a trail of blood: _huh._
> 
> The 13th doctor has,,,,,, things she needs to come to terms with. however, she's also the Doctor, so that's not about to happen. why would you face your problems when you can go to another planet and pretend they don't exist, amiright?
> 
> come yell at me about 13 on tumblr: @taardisblue


End file.
